Cream Pies R Us

Organized bake-off: The doctor vs. the lawyer vs. the battered woman

By Gretchen Elsner

THE Doctor and the Woman lived together happily and then in the winter a new neighbor moved into their building. It was obvious that he was a Lawyer and the two men in suits became fast friends. The Doctor made cookies for The Lawyer. The Lawyer would return home from work each night, snort cocaine and remodel his apartment. The Woman got on well with The Lawyer's Chilean lady-friend. One evening in the spring, the woman met The Lawyer at the foot of the bridge. The Lawyer invited her out for a drink and not thinking much of it, she agreed. The Lawyer drugged The Woman's drink and led her home. There he made such loud, loose sport with her that the downstairs neighbor's child awoke with nightmares. The Doctor, missing the return of his Woman, went to investigate. Upon finding his Woman upstairs he had a few hard words with The Lawyer and escorted The Woman back home. In his devastating rage and fatigue he bound, beat, and assaulted The Woman for days, and tormented The Lawyer with his fury. The Doctor had in his acquaintance a Can Collector whom he took into his confidence. The Can Collector persuaded The Doctor that the most efficient thing to do to resolve the situation was to hire the Junkie to attack The Lawyer. Seeing how tempestuous the situation had become, The Woman, using a cast iron frying pan, corralled the three to discuss it, and in their discourse they all agreed that the very best thing to do to end their dispute was to have a cream pie fight.

If the people at Cream Pie Fights R Us flew hot air balloons perhaps they would preside over more engagements and happy surprises. Serving up tofu cream pies for catered fights since 1987, they've seen many a "Happy Birthday," "Thank You" and "Happy Anniversary" but as they seek to cater to a panoply of social needs, so too do they see to the greatest of animosities. For the moderate price of sixty dollars you get three cream pies, two for fighting, and one for eating. Towels and water are provided on site for clean up, and a dog to eat the excellent homemade pie bits from the field. Held at the high noon of your choice, its plain there is no greater honor than settling disputes the old fashioned way.

From Only Magazine. www.onlymagazine.ca

To order a cream pie fight in the lower Vancouver Mainland please Contact CREAM PIES R US at 604 886 2256.

Fee schedule:
$60 bucks buys you three delicious home made tofu cream pies, two for fighting, one for eating, or three for fighting, towels, water, first aid if necessary, a professional fine arts free-lance photographer to document the fight, and a dog to clean up the mess.  Held in the McLean Park field in Strathcona neighborhood:  Heathy Street and the 700 block of Keefer Street.

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